stop keeping score

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Well, I mean, I’ve really been clicking on a lot of Buzzfeed links… but a lot of what I’ve been reading has pissed me off. So, naturally, here we are, talking to the internet about why I’m mad.

Everything I’ve been reading lately has a feminist or anti-feminist undertone. I read an article about the new law in Tennessee that allows for the arrest of the mother if a child is born with evidence of drug use during pregnancy. The article wasn’t actually the most infuriating part… it was the comments. Hundreds of people call for this women to be sterilized. And for all drug addicted humans to be sterilized. If you don’t know why that’s terrifying you are part of the problem. And then there is the whole Supreme Court ruling on Hobby Lobby’s right to refuse coverage of birth control. Yes, it’s only 4 specific kinds of birth control but, again, it wasn’t the ruling so much that aggravated me as much as the backlash/support and comments that went with all the news surrounding the decision. There’s also this Tumblr page… which is just stressful in general. And lastly, this blog, that is a response to this blog about why her husband’s desire to cheat is the fault of every bikini wearing woman posting pictures on facebook.

I’m not a feminist. I’m not, not a feminist. I am a woman. But more importantly I am a human. 

The idea of feminism has created two extremes (as most ideas/beliefs do). On one side we have the “men are the living worst, women deserve to be the ruling gender, let’s demonize men until we are the ones getting the top jobs and the higher pay and by the way every man wants to rape you because they can only think about sex” feminists who are very passionate and might at one time have had reasonable points but have sort of over generalized to the point where it’s out of control. They are not entirely wrong… but because their desire is to get people to listen and get worked up to the point of action, they end up sounding some what irrational and crazy. The other extreme is the “I am not a victim, rape isn’t real, if you dress like a slut you deserve it, just because a man wants a women doesn’t make them an animal, gender inequality isn’t real” anti-feminist. Again they have some good points. But they also have gone to this extreme place that is ultra politicized and sounds a little crazy.  But at the end of it all we are still left with two groups of humans that I have just described as crazy. And in reality most of humanity falls somewhere in between… where are all the moderate, rational, not crazy blogs, people?! Where?!

Sigh… Do we not realize that there does not always have to be a winner? Yes, I just said that. Me, the insanely competitive, thrives on winning, incentive based human just said: THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A WINNER. Women do not have to somehow overtake men as the number one gender in all of the land. Women don’t have to take over every CEO position to be valid and EQUAL members of society. But we also don’t have to be less or act small to be feminine or sexy. We don’t have to give up our big time jobs and our voice to be marriage material. And I don’t understand how this has become such a hard middle ground to find.

Men are not the living worst. Only SOME men are the living worst. (Just like some women are the living worst) Yes there will always be jerks that stare at my chest and sexualize me as an object. But there are also gentlemen who see me as a person first and value my opinion in the same regard as their guy friends/colleagues. So, no, we can’t generalize all men as pigs just because one man looked at us wrong, felt us up at a bar, made a crude comment or talked to us in a superior way. I would venture to say a majority of men are decent human beings that treat others (men and women) respectfully.

However, it is absolutely my reality that some men intentionally treat me as a inferior sexual object. America has okayed the idea that my body is somehow yours to look at and sometimes grab just because you want to. It’s socially acceptable to talk to my chest instead of my face. (Believe it or not this is usually customers at work.) If I’m at a bar dancing with my friends it’s okay for you to start grinding on me because why? Because I’m attractive and you want me so you will have me? Yea… I throw a decent right hook too, so I’d be careful if I were you. We tell women to cover their bodies because men are animals and can’t help but jump our bones if we are dressed in an even remotely revealing way. Instead we could start holding men to a higher standard. We could stop letting them off the hook for being slimy dirt bags. Because I should be able to put together an outfit that makes me feel good about myself with out having to deal with men’s wandering eyes and dirty looks from their wives. If I put on a pair of tight jeans and a cute silky top it has nothing to do with you… and it especially doesn’t mean I’m asking for it. You may be asking for a swift punch to the kidney though….

And lastly, can we as a society just name that gender equality is not actually a thing yet? I’m not even talking about getting paid the same or whatever I’m talking about a mindset. The idea that paying women the same as men will make us equal and get us to shut up… *pause for effect* The idea that the most common question I get asked back home and by random strangers is when I’m going to “settle down” or why don’t I have a boyfriend yet? Because I am the sum of my ability to reproduce. I am supposed to grow out of this “phase” of wanderlust. I’m not supposed to chase after a big career or a dream of changing the world. I’m supposed to get married. Have lots of babies. I’m allowed to have a job but I’m supposed to have a husband.

It’s the idea that as a women I shouldn’t walk home by myself at night. Not just “hey that neighborhood is sketch, all humans shouldn’t walk home by themselves at night.” It’s the idea that I shouldn’t wear a bikini because a man might lust but guys can walk around with their shirts off, no problem. It’s the strange looks from every single human when I go to a wedding by myself because I’m single and post collegiate. It’s the thought that someone other than me should be able to choose what type of birth control I use but men can go buy whatever brand of condom they want and go at it. It’s even the idea that women’s birth control is expensive enough to need insurance coverage but condoms are handed out free on college campuses. It’s the idea that I should act like a lady… what do you mean, act like a lady? I am a lady. 

But it’s also the idea that because I enjoy chivalrous gestures I am somehow weak (or the enemy of all my feminist sisters). Heads up: Real chivalry is not you holding a door open and then looking down my shirt… It’s holding a door open and looking me in the eye. It’s less about the gesture and more about the respect. It’s the thought that because I believe and agree with Ephesians 5:22-33 I am ignorant and brainwashed, when if you read past the part that says “wives submit to your husbands” you see “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” Christ died for the church so if my future husband can love me like that?… Shoot. I mean, I’m not gonna be mad about it.

Can we all just cut the crap? Stop trying to be better than the person next to you, male or female, black, white, hispanic, asian, gay, straight, rich, poor, homeless, not homeless, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist or whatever. Cause you’re not better than them. Stop thinking you deserve something just because you are a man. And women, stop thinking you are owed something for all the years of inequality. Equal does not mean fair. Equality does not come from evening the score but from realizing there wasn’t a score to begin with.